Choosing Social Activities for Your Child: What Parents Should Know Before Enrolling

Look closely at the image above.

A basketball coach is arguing with a referee while young players watch from the sidelines.

We don't know what caused the disagreement or whether the referee's decision was correct.

But consider what the children are witnessing.

An adult responsible for guiding their development is visibly struggling with frustration over a sporting decision.

Now imagine one of those children reacting similarly when they believe an opponent has broken the rules.

Would their frustration be understood, or would they be reprimanded for poor sportsmanship?

If we expect children to learn emotional regulation, shouldn't we also consider how the adults supervising them demonstrate it?

But there is an important question that often gets overlooked:

Will the activity provide the experience your child actually needs?

An activity might offer opportunities for social development without necessarily providing an environment where every child can participate successfully.

For children who are autistic, have ADHD, experience anxiety or simply approach the world differently, that distinction can be particularly important.

Parents may carefully consider whether their child will enjoy an activity without realising how much the adults running it, the expectations placed on participants and the attitudes of other children can influence the experience.

An activity intended to build confidence can sometimes have the opposite effect.

The purpose of this article isn't to discourage parents from enrolling their children in sport or community activities.

It's to explore some of the questions parents may not have considered, helping them make informed decisions about where their children are most likely to feel comfortable, included and valued.

Imagine two children joining different basketball teams.

Both attend weekly training. Both receive a uniform. Both are introduced to their teammates.

The first child plays regularly, is encouraged by the coach and gradually develops relationships with other players.

The second child spends most games sitting on the bench. When they make mistakes, they are substituted. They rarely have opportunities to contribute and gradually become less enthusiastic about attending.

Both children are technically participating in organised sport.

But their experiences are very different.

For parents seeking opportunities for friendship and social development, simply attending an activity is not necessarily enough.

Children need meaningful opportunities to interact, contribute, cooperate and develop relationships.

Research published by the National Disability Insurance Agency highlights three dimensions of community participation: the activity itself, the setting in which it occurs and the social interactions involved.

In other words, it's worth considering not only what your child will be doing and where, but also who they will be interacting with and how.

Although that research wasn't exclusively focused on children, the distinction offers a useful way for parents to think about social opportunities.

A child can attend a weekly activity without developing friendships.

They can belong to a team without feeling accepted by their teammates.

They can participate in a group without feeling that their contribution matters.

When choosing an activity, parents should consider the opportunities their child will have to build relationships, rather than assuming those relationships will develop simply because other children are present.

Before comparing activities, it helps to consider why you're looking for one.

Perhaps your child wants to make friends.

Maybe they need opportunities to practise communicating with other children.

They might benefit from developing confidence, learning to cooperate or becoming more comfortable in unfamiliar social situations.

Or perhaps they simply want to enjoy something they love with other children who share their interests.

These goals can overlap, but they aren't necessarily the same.

A child who wants to become a competitive basketball player may be comfortable with demanding training, performance expectations and limited playing time.

A child who wants to make friends through basketball may need an environment that prioritises enjoyment, encouragement and opportunities for everyone to participate.

Neither goal is wrong.

The important consideration is whether the activity's priorities match your child's reasons for joining.

This becomes particularly relevant when choosing between recreational programs, competitive teams and activities specifically designed around social participation.

Team sports are frequently recommended because they encourage cooperation, communication and teamwork.

However, parents should understand that competitive sport can create tension between winning games and ensuring every child has meaningful opportunities to participate.

Consider junior basketball.

A team may have up to 10 players, but only five can be on the court at once.

Some coaches make a deliberate effort to provide approximately equal court time, recognising that every child deserves opportunities to learn, contribute and enjoy the game.

Other coaches may place greater emphasis on winning.

When the result becomes the priority, stronger players may receive considerably more court time, particularly during close games.

Less experienced players may spend most of the game on the bench, sometimes receiving only a few minutes of playing time.

For a child who joined basketball to develop friendships, this can be disappointing.

They may attend every training session and wear the team uniform, yet have relatively few opportunities to participate alongside their teammates.

Being selected for a team is not the same as being included in the team.

Now consider a neurodivergent child joining that same team.

They might be enthusiastic about basketball and have considerable ability. They may even be one of the strongest players.

However, they may also experience difficulties with lengthy instructions, unexpected changes, distractions or the noise and pressure of competition.

A coach who understands these differences may make small adjustments.

They might provide shorter instructions, allow additional processing time or recognise when the child is becoming overwhelmed.

But what happens if the coach has little understanding of neurodivergence?

The child who avoids eye contact may be perceived as disrespectful.

The child who becomes distracted may be considered inattentive.

The child who struggles with several instructions at once may be viewed as less capable.

And if the coach is primarily focused on winning, these perceptions may influence decisions about playing time.

The child may be substituted more frequently or receive fewer opportunities.

Importantly, this can happen even when the child has the ability to play well.

The barrier may not be their sporting ability.

It may be the coach's interpretation of their behaviour.

This is why parents should ask how playing time is allocated, particularly during close games, and whether the club prioritises participation, development or competitive results.

A coach who values equitable participation may offer a very different experience from one who primarily selects players based on their ability to help win.

Sport teaches children important lessons about cooperation, competition, winning and losing.

It also exposes them to situations that can feel unfair.

An umpire might miss an infringement.

An opposition player might repeatedly provoke another child.

A decision might go against a team at a crucial moment.

These situations can frustrate almost anyone involved in the game.

Anyone who has attended junior basketball will recognise that children aren't the only people who struggle with umpiring decisions.

Parents sometimes become visibly upset, and coaches can become so frustrated that officials ask them to leave the game.

Yet we often expect children to accept these same situations calmly.

If experienced adults sometimes struggle to manage their emotions when they believe something is unfair, what expectations are we placing on children who are still developing those skills?

For many children, learning to manage disappointment, frustration and perceived unfairness is an important part of growing up.

For children who experience additional challenges with emotional regulation, flexibility or sensory processing, managing these situations can be even more demanding.

Consider an autistic child playing basketball.

An opposition player repeatedly does something that upsets them.

The child believes the other player is breaking the rules and expects the umpire to intervene.

But the umpire doesn't see the behaviour, or interprets the situation differently.

Play continues.

The child becomes increasingly frustrated.

Eventually, they become overwhelmed and storm off the court.

The coach sees a player abandoning the game.

The teammates see someone walking away when the team needs them.

The spectators see a child having what may be described as a meltdown.

But how many people understand what happened in the minutes leading up to that moment?

The child's reaction may be the culmination of several incidents that the adults supervising the game haven't recognised.

If the coach responds by reprimanding the child, the situation may escalate further.

The child may feel that the original unfairness has now been compounded by being blamed for their reaction.

What began as frustration with another player's behaviour becomes an experience of embarrassment, misunderstanding and possible exclusion.

The sequence might look like this:

Provocation or perceived unfairness → mounting frustration → emotional overwhelm → leaving the game → misunderstood behaviour → reprimand or exclusion.

This doesn't mean leaving the court unexpectedly is something a coach should simply ignore.

Children still need to learn how to respond appropriately to difficult situations, and coaches must consider the safety of everyone involved.

But teaching those skills requires understanding what happened, not simply reacting to the final behaviour.

A supportive coach might first ensure the child is safe, give them an opportunity to settle and then listen to their concerns.

The coach can explain that umpires sometimes miss incidents and that disagreements with decisions are part of competitive sport.

They can also help the child develop strategies for recognising frustration earlier and seeking assistance before becoming overwhelmed.

The objective isn't to excuse every reaction. It's to understand the reaction well enough to help the child develop a better way of managing the situation next time.

There is another important consideration.

Children don't learn only from what adults tell them.

They also learn from how adults behave when things don't go their way.

A coach who shouts at an umpire but reprimands a child for becoming frustrated is sending a contradictory message.

A coach who remains calm after a questionable decision demonstrates one way of managing frustration.

A coach who becomes aggressive demonstrates another.

For parents, this creates an additional consideration when selecting an activity.

It's worth observing not only how the coach treats children, but also how they behave towards umpires, opposition teams and other adults when the game becomes difficult.

That behaviour can reveal a great deal about the environment their child will experience.

Many of the expectations adults place on children were learned during their own childhoods.

For generations, children were commonly instructed to sit still, maintain eye contact, follow directions immediately and avoid questioning authority.

These expectations were reinforced by parents, teachers, coaches and community leaders.

As those children became adults, many carried the same expectations into their own parenting, teaching and leadership roles.

This is understandable.

People often respond to unfamiliar situations using the approaches they experienced themselves.

However, an approach that was considered appropriate decades ago may not always be the most effective way to support children today.

Consider a child who avoids eye contact.

A teacher is speaking to them.

The child looks away.

The teacher says, "Look at me when I'm talking to you."

The child continues looking away.

The teacher interprets this as disrespect or a refusal to listen.

The child is reprimanded.

But what if the child is autistic and finds eye contact uncomfortable or distracting?

What if looking away actually helps them concentrate on what the teacher is saying?

The teacher may be demanding a behaviour that has little to do with whether the child understands the instruction.

The problem isn't necessarily the child's attention. It may be the adult's expectation of what paying attention should look like.

Similar misunderstandings can occur in sport and community activities.

A child who fidgets may be trying to maintain their concentration.

A child who asks repeated questions may need reassurance or clarification.

A child who withdraws from a noisy activity may be overwhelmed.

A child who becomes upset when plans change may be struggling to manage an unexpected situation.

Without understanding these differences, adults may interpret the behaviour as deliberate disobedience.

Their instinctive response may be to correct, reprimand or discipline the child.

Sometimes, that response makes the situation worse.

When adults misunderstand a child's behaviour, their response can become a greater barrier to participation than the difficulty the child was experiencing in the first place.

Throughout history, society has often expected people to change themselves to fit established conventions.

Left-handed children were once discouraged, and sometimes forced, to write with their right hands.

Today, we understand much more about differences in how children communicate, learn, process information and experience their environments.

Yet expectations of uniform behaviour can still influence how activities are organised.

Children may be expected to listen in the same way, follow instructions at the same pace and respond similarly when difficulties arise.

For some children, these expectations create unnecessary barriers.

This raises an important question:

Should we always expect children to change how they behave to fit an activity, or should we also consider changing how the activity is delivered?

That doesn't mean abandoning appropriate boundaries.

A basketball team still needs rules.

A Scout group must operate safely.

A swimming instructor needs children to follow essential safety directions.

But there may be considerable flexibility in how instructions are communicated, how activities are structured and how children are supported.

Children shouldn't have to become more alike to deserve the same opportunities.

When choosing an activity, parents naturally consider the qualifications and experience of the adults responsible.

A basketball coach may have completed coaching courses.

A swimming instructor may hold relevant teaching and safety qualifications.

A Scout leader may have completed organisational training and safeguarding requirements.

These qualifications are important.

However, parents shouldn't automatically assume they include comprehensive practical training in supporting neurodivergent children.

Training in an activity, safeguarding training and disability inclusion training serve different purposes.

A coach may understand basketball extremely well without having learned how sensory overload affects an autistic child.

An instructor may have years of experience teaching children without having received practical training in ADHD.

A community leader may be committed to safeguarding children but have limited experience recognising emotional dysregulation or adapting instructions.

This doesn't mean the adult is unsuitable.

It means parents should ask what training, experience and support are available.

A willingness to listen, learn and collaborate with families can be just as important as an existing qualification.

Rather than simply asking whether an organisation welcomes neurodivergent children, consider asking:

"What experience do you have supporting autistic children or children with ADHD?"

"Have your instructors received practical training in neurodiversity and inclusion?"

"How do you adapt activities when a child finds something difficult?"

"What would you do if my child became overwhelmed?"

The responses can help parents understand whether inclusion is an established part of the organisation's approach or something that would need to be developed together.

Every child experiences frustration.

They may struggle with an instruction, disagree with another child, become tired or feel disappointed when something doesn't go as expected.

For some children, sensory differences, communication difficulties, anxiety or emotional regulation challenges can make these situations harder to manage.

The response of the adult supervising the activity can make an enormous difference.

Consider a child who becomes overwhelmed during a group activity.

An instructor might interpret the behaviour as defiance and demand immediate compliance.

They may raise their voice, reprimand the child in front of others or insist that the child continue participating.

Alternatively, the instructor might recognise early signs of distress and respond calmly.

They might simplify instructions, reduce unnecessary demands or offer the child an opportunity to step away.

A simple question can be valuable:

"Would it help to take a break?"

Offered calmly and early, a break can give a child an opportunity to regulate before a difficult situation escalates.

Importantly, a break should not automatically be treated as punishment.

It can be a normal part of participation.

Some children may need movement.

Others may benefit from quiet, reassurance or additional time.

The most appropriate response will depend on the child, the situation and any safety considerations.

Parents often know which strategies work best for their children.

Sharing that information before an activity begins can help instructors respond appropriately when challenges arise.

Parents generally enrol children in social activities with positive intentions.

They want their children to enjoy themselves, develop confidence and build relationships.

But what happens when an activity becomes another environment where a child feels misunderstood or excluded?

Embarrassment for the child

Imagine being reprimanded in front of your teammates because you couldn't follow an instruction quickly enough.

Other children turn to watch.

You become increasingly distressed.

Perhaps you are removed from the activity.

The experience may leave you feeling embarrassed, confused or ashamed.

You may begin to associate the activity with being criticised rather than having fun.

Embarrassment for the parent

Parents watching from the sidelines may feel uncomfortable or judged.

They may wonder whether to intervene.

They may feel pressured to explain their child's disability or behaviour to other adults.

Some may question whether enrolling their child was a mistake.

Others may become reluctant to try another activity.

How other children respond

Children learn from the behaviour of adults around them.

If a coach repeatedly singles out a child, teammates may begin to view that child as difficult or less capable.

If an instructor responds to distress with frustration, other children may interpret the situation as deliberate misbehaviour.

These perceptions can affect how children interact with one another.

A child who joined an activity hoping to develop friendships may instead find themselves becoming increasingly isolated.

The longer-term consequences

One difficult experience doesn't necessarily cause lasting harm.

However, repeated experiences of embarrassment, criticism or exclusion can undermine confidence and discourage future participation.

A child may become reluctant to attend activities they previously enjoyed.

They may avoid unfamiliar groups.

They may begin to believe that they are the problem.

An activity intended to help a child feel included can inadvertently reinforce the feeling that they don't belong.

This is why understanding an organisation's approach before enrolling matters.

The consequences aren't limited to whether a child enjoys a particular session.

They can influence how willing that child feels to try again.

Competition can be enjoyable and motivating.

Many children, including neurodivergent children, thrive in competitive environments.

They enjoy the challenge, excitement and satisfaction of improving their performance.

However, competition also introduces pressures that parents should consider.

Children may need to manage winning and losing, mistakes made in front of others, time limits, instructions delivered under pressure and the expectations of teammates.

For some children, these experiences provide valuable opportunities for growth.

For others, particularly those who are still developing confidence or emotional regulation skills, the demands may be overwhelming.

Cooperative activities can offer a different experience.

Rather than competing against one another, participants work towards a shared objective.

Children may be able to contribute in different ways, take on different roles and participate at a pace that suits their abilities.

For example, a cooperative building activity might involve one child planning, another gathering materials and others constructing different parts of a shared project.

Each contribution matters.

The children don't necessarily need identical abilities to work successfully together.

The best activity isn't always the easiest one. It's an activity where the challenges are appropriate and the child receives the support needed to manage them.

Parents should consider whether competition motivates their child or creates pressure that interferes with their enjoyment and participation.

Different activities offer different opportunities and challenges.

The following examples aren't intended to suggest that one activity is universally better than another.

The experience can vary considerably depending on the organisation, instructor, group and individual child.

One consideration applies across every category:

The quality of the experience often depends as much on the adults and other participants as it does on the activity itself.

A supportive basketball coach may create a wonderful environment for a child who previously struggled with team sports.

An inflexible instructor may make an otherwise enjoyable activity difficult.

The activity alone doesn't determine the outcome.

When a child struggles in a mainstream activity, families may be encouraged to consider a program specifically designed for children with disabilities.

Specialist programs can provide valuable opportunities.

Some children prefer them, enjoy the environment and benefit from staff with relevant experience.

However, disability-specific activities shouldn't automatically become the only option simply because a mainstream organisation is unwilling or unable to make reasonable adjustments.

Children with autism, ADHD and other disabilities have interests just like everyone else.

They may want to play basketball, join Scouts, learn martial arts or participate in drama.

Their diagnosis shouldn't automatically determine which activities they're encouraged to pursue.

An inclusive community is one where organisations recognise that children have different needs and consider how their programs can accommodate them.

Sometimes adjustments are relatively straightforward.

A coach may provide shorter instructions.

A leader may explain changes to the schedule in advance.

An instructor may allow a child to take a break.

A group may offer alternative ways to participate.

Other situations may require more planning, specialist advice or additional support.

Not every activity will suit every child, and essential safety requirements must still be met.

But the starting point should be a willingness to explore how the child can participate.

Inclusion isn't simply allowing a child to join. It's creating meaningful opportunities for that child to take part.

One of the most useful things parents can do is speak with the coach, instructor or group leader before their child begins.

You don't necessarily need to disclose every detail of your child's diagnosis or personal history.

Focus on the information that will help the adult support your child appropriately.

For example, you might explain:

"My child sometimes needs additional time to process instructions."

"They can become overwhelmed in noisy environments."

"If they become frustrated, offering a short break usually helps."

"They respond better to calm, private conversations than being corrected in front of others."

"They may avoid eye contact, but that doesn't mean they aren't listening."

These conversations can help establish expectations and prevent misunderstandings.

They also provide an opportunity to assess whether the organisation is willing to work collaboratively with your family.

Questions worth asking

Parents should pay attention not only to the answers but also to the attitude behind them.

An instructor who says, "Tell me what works best for your child," is demonstrating a willingness to collaborate.

Someone who insists, "We treat every child exactly the same," may need further discussion about what inclusion means in practice.

Treating children fairly doesn't necessarily mean treating them identically.

Fairness means giving children appropriate opportunities and support, recognising that their needs may differ.

Parents naturally want their children to persevere.

Learning something new can be difficult.

Friendships take time.

Children sometimes need encouragement to move beyond their comfort zones.

But there's a difference between supporting a child through an appropriate challenge and expecting them to repeatedly endure an environment where they feel misunderstood or excluded.

After an activity, consider asking your child:

"What did you enjoy most?"

"Did you get a chance to join in?"

"Was there anything that made you uncomfortable?"

"Did you feel comfortable with the other children?"

"Would you like to go again?"

Some children may find these questions difficult to answer directly.

Their enthusiasm before the next session, willingness to talk about the activity or changes in their behaviour may provide additional clues.

A child who initially feels nervous may become more comfortable as relationships develop.

But a child who repeatedly feels embarrassed, excluded or overwhelmed may need a different approach.

That doesn't always mean leaving the activity.

Sometimes a conversation with the instructor, a change in expectations or additional support can make a considerable difference.

The important thing is to take the child's experience seriously.

For children who enjoy gaming, facilitated cooperative online activities can offer another opportunity for social participation.

Gaming provides a shared interest.

Children can communicate while working towards common objectives, solving problems and creating things together.

For some children, participating from home may also reduce challenges associated with unfamiliar environments, travel, crowds or noisy venues.

However, online activities still require appropriate supervision, safeguarding and support.

Not every child enjoys voice communication, and online participation isn't a substitute for every benefit of face-to-face community activities.

At FriendWorX, our approach is being developed around several of the considerations explored in this article.

Sessions are designed for small, age-matched groups of up to four participants, using cooperative games and shared interests to encourage interaction.

Our Guide training is intended to include practical strategies for supporting different communication styles, recognising when children become overwhelmed and responding without unnecessary embarrassment.

Families can help identify strategies that support their child's participation.

For example, a Guide may calmly ask:

"Would it help to take a break?"

A child participating from home may be able to step away from their headset briefly and return when ready, with appropriate supervision and safeguarding arrangements.

The aim is to provide opportunities for children to contribute, interact and develop familiarity with other participants without making their involvement dependent on competitive performance.

FriendWorX is one option among many.

Some children will prefer basketball, Scouts or other face-to-face activities.

Others may benefit from a combination of online and community experiences.

What matters is finding environments that suit the child's interests, needs and goals.

For families whose children participate in the National Disability Insurance Scheme, social and community participation may be relevant to their NDIS goals.

Depending on the participant's individual circumstances and plan, disability-related supports that assist with social and community participation may be fundable.

However, NDIS funding does not automatically cover ordinary recreational activities, membership fees or general activity costs.

Families should consider the distinction between the cost of an activity and any disability-related support required to participate.

You can learn more through the FriendWorX NDIS information page and the NDIS guidance on social and recreation support.

Parents want their children to have opportunities.

Opportunities to make friends, develop confidence, discover interests and experience the satisfaction of belonging.

Sport, community groups, creative activities and online programs can all contribute to those experiences.

But an activity's potential benefits don't guarantee that every child will experience them.

The priorities of the organisation matter.

The expectations of the adults matter.

The opportunities for meaningful participation matter.

And perhaps most importantly, the way adults respond when a child struggles matters.

A child who needs additional processing time shouldn't automatically be considered inattentive.

A child who avoids eye contact shouldn't automatically be considered disrespectful.

A child who becomes overwhelmed shouldn't automatically be treated as deliberately disruptive.

And a child who isn't the strongest performer shouldn't necessarily spend most of an activity watching everyone else participate.

Parents shouldn't have to choose between protecting their child's confidence and giving them opportunities to experience the world.

They should be able to have meaningful conversations with organisations about how their child can participate successfully.

Sometimes that will involve small adjustments.

Sometimes it will require additional planning.

And sometimes a different activity or environment will be a better match.

The goal isn't to remove every challenge from a child's experience.

It's to ensure that the challenges they encounter provide opportunities for growth rather than unnecessary barriers to belonging.

Before asking whether a child is ready for an activity, perhaps we should also ask whether the activity is ready to welcome the child.